


How to Fall in Love with Your Best Friend: A Guide by Egbert, J. and Strider, D.

by alykapedia



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, JohnDave Week, Love Confessions, M/M, awkward boys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-07
Updated: 2016-07-07
Packaged: 2018-07-21 21:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7405726
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alykapedia/pseuds/alykapedia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The revelation comes to you on a shitty Wednesday morning when it’s too early to live. Except it's not much of a revelation, but more of a realization that the glass you’d left overnight under the leaky faucet has overflowed. Except you’ve left this glass for years, unattended and out of sight, that you’d almost forgotten its existence had it not been for the sudden slew of butterflies fluttering wildly in your stomach when Dave walks in your dorm room from his early morning run.</p><p>And that's when you think, oh, oh, oh no, because your name is John Egbert and the glass containing your feelings for one Dave Strider has finally overflowed and drowned out every other thought process in your brain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How to Fall in Love with Your Best Friend: A Guide by Egbert, J. and Strider, D.

**Author's Note:**

> so, holy shit. i've had the idea for this fic waaaay back in 2012, and i've only really started writing it last week after i caught wind of johndave week. this thing has been festering in my mind for years and i can't believe i'm setting it free. this is my first time writing for the OTP and i'm so sorry if everyone is terribly ooc. 
> 
> probs chock full of mistakes. i'll come back and maybe edit it someday when i'm not sick of rereading this thing.

Step I:  
**Fall.**

 

==> Be John Egbert.

The revelation comes to you on a shitty Wednesday morning when it’s too early to live and the only reason why you’ve managed to roll out of bed, into the floor, and eventually crawled blearily into the kitchen is the fact that you’ve racked up too many absences in your Ecology class and you can’t afford to miss any more. Ever since you were a plucky freshman, you’d promised yourself to never pick 7 AM classes ever again, but during every enrolment period, a part of you insists that _you’ll learn to wake up early this time,_ _honest!_ And thus every semester, you’re plagued by early morning classes with no one to blame but yourself.

Anyway. The revelation.

That’s a thing that never really stopped being a thing while you were questioning your life choices that led to having early classes.

And well, to be honest, calling it a revelation would be all sorts of inaccurate because this is like waking up one morning to find that the glass you’d left overnight under the leaky faucet has overflowed. Except you’ve left this glass for years, unattended and out of sight, that you’d almost forgotten its existence had it not been for the sudden slew of butterflies fluttering wildly in your stomach when Dave walks in your dorm room from his early morning run. He’s glistening with sweat, shirt sticking against his chest and wearing those stupidly short running shorts that he wears because they show off his legs (and holy hell they do), when he turns to you with an easy smile and an amused, “good morning, starshine,” that’s lacking just enough irony to be counted sincere.

It’s then, in that exact moment that you realize and think, _oh, oh, oh no_ , because your name is John Egbert and the glass containing your feelings for one Dave Strider has finally overflowed and drowned out every other thought process in your brain that isn’t just a litany of _shit shit shit_ continued ad infinitum.

You are, as they say, fucked.

 

==> John: Be the other guy.

You can’t be the other guy when you’re still really busy being yourself!

 

==> Fine. John: Snap out of it!

“You okay there, Egbert?” Dave waves a hand in front of your face, looking at you over his shades with something like concern. “Man, you gotta stop doing this to yourself. I told you about getting morning classes dog, I warned you bro.” He continues, throwing an arm around your shoulder as he quotes his stupid comics at you because he is a huge fucking nerd.

You grumble a, “fuck off,” in response, ducking away from him to hide the torrid flush erupting like wildfire on your cheeks. It’s too early for this. you’re really not equipped to handle your feelings for Dave and simultaneously go about your morning routine. You are but a mere man and realizing that you’re a hundred percent in love with your best friend is—

Wait.

Did you just say _love_?

Oh, you feel faint.

 

==> John: Just be the other guy already!

How can you be the other guy when you can only be yourself? Jesus, you really, really need to stop listening to too much of Rose’s blathering. She’s been on some sort of existentialist kick lately and she’s been talking your ear off about it, going on and on about Kierkegaard or some dude, and now it’s getting to you.

It’s hard having a psychoanalyzing broad for a twin sister, it’s hard and nobody understands.

Your name is Dave Strider and you’re currently finishing off a bottle of apple juice whilst watching your best bro, the unrequited love of your miserable life, stare into space and waste time he most definitely does not have. You take another second to admire his profile— _that jawline damn_ —before loudly proclaiming, “you’re gonna be late if you don’t get a move on, Eggs,” because he really is going to be late if he doesn’t move his ass.

John jumps at your words, before turning towards you with wide eyes and huh, a blush. What the fuck. He quickly shakes his head, throws you a one-fingered salute that you return and absconds to your teeny-tiny bathroom.

Huh, okay.

Weird, but _you do you, John_.

 

==> Dave: Wax poetic about John Egbert.

As you’ve mentioned, you are horribly and unrequitedly in love with your best bro. You’re not entirely sure when it was you fell in love with John. You think you’ve been in love with him when he was just a block of blue text on your screen, but you can’t entirely be sure. It’s just a fact of your existence now.

Dave Strider is unironically in love with the King of Derp.

That’s just how it is.

You can’t remember how exactly you fell in love with him either because it doesn’t happen in big, sweeping gestures like how it does in Karkat’s rom-coms. The process of your descent to the unrequited throes of affection wasn’t borne out of some grand revelation. It was gradual. You fell in love with him slowly, naturally, as if you were always meant to be. As if you knew no other truth.

But what you do know is that you fell in love with him because he’s John. There’s really no one reason that tripped you up and made you fall ass over tea kettle for him. John is John. He’s your best friend who’s definitely not a morning person but still signs up for early morning classes. He’s the one who sends you horrible movie recommendations and always cries during that one scene in Con-Air with the goddamn bunny even after admitting that it’s not really that great of a movie. He’s the one who tearfully admitted that he can only give you a piano recording he composed for Christmas because he got too carried away and went all out with your birthday present when you were thirteen, as if you wouldn’t treasure anything he gave you. He’s the one who stayed up all night with you during your first night at the dorms when you had been hopelessly homesick, the one who’d rolled his eyes and draped a blanket over your shoulders as he proceeded to regale you with childhood shenanigans he’d already told you before. You fell in love with him because he’s John and he’s dear to you in ways very few people are.

And really, at this point in time, you know for a fact that it’s no longer a question of when, how, or why you love him, but rather a question of how much. To which the answer is, and will always be: a hella fucking lot.

 

 

Step II:  
**Panic.**

 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] at 18:03 

TG: pizza for dinner y/n  
TG: what am i talking about ofc its a y its fucking pizza  
TG: unless you want something else then better hurry up john cos im already putting in my order  
TG: john  
TG: john  
TG: john  
TG: egbert come in egbert  
TG: joooooooohn  
TG: fuck was that eight os i cant believe im pulling a spiderbitch on you  
TG: john what the fuck i can see youre online  
TG: whatever im ordering pizza ignore me all you want

turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering  ectoBiologist [EB]  at 18:10 

turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB]  at 22:34 

TG: dude wtf where are you  
TG: did you fall asleep in the library again  
TG: you did didnt you  
TG: dyou need me to pick you up  
TG: john  
TG: john  
TG: JOHN EGBERT  
TG: wow your name doesnt even look like a name anymore  
TG: what kind of name even is john  
TG: a stupid name is what  
TG: but srsly bro a reply would be nice  
TG: getting kinda sick of the silent treatment here  
TG: and also worried  
TG: pls reply  
TG: you know what whatever  
TG: im gonna get the car from roses place

ectoBiologist [EB]  blocked turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: wow rude

ectoBiologist [EB]  unblocked turntechGodhead [TG] 

ectoBiologist [EB]  began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 22:46

EB: i’m fine. i’m staying somewhere else tonight.

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 22:47

ectoBiologist [EB]  blocked turntechGodhead [TG]

TG: john what the fuck

 

==> Be Dave.

It is now Saturday and John still has yet to unblock you from pesterchum or answer any of your calls and needless to say, it’s really fucking you up. You’re pretty sure he’s been going back to your dorm room because someone’s been cleaning and restocking the fridge and unless your mom finally made good on her promise to get a house elf, that someone could only be John. The problem is that he’s only been going back when you’re in class and as much as you want to skip class to catch him (and deck him on his stupid face), you’re at a crucial point in the semester wherein skipping any of your classes would be fucking suicidal.

So it’s fucking Saturday and you have no idea why your best friend won’t talk to you.

The stupid thing is that you thought you’d prepared yourself for this; every shmuck stuck in the pit of unrequited feelings prepares themselves for this shit. You’ve kept your feelings for John a secret for years, so mentally preparing yourself for the day when you and John will no longer be a set should have been a piece of cake. But it’s not. Because just imagining the inevitable future where you two will no longer be DaveandJohn, but two separate entities makes your heart fester painfully in your chest.

Which is why you’re currently curled up in your mom’s lap (your birth mom, not your other mom who’s in the kitchen baking her world-famous apple strudels) and being a pathetic sack of shit.

“Davey,” your mom begins, carefully pushing your face from where it’s stuck to her stomach, “as much as I love you being inexplicably clingy, momma needs to know why.”

She looks down at you worriedly, one hand tapping on your shades as if asking for permission to take them off and you nod shakily. It’s not as if you can hide anything from your mother, and even if you could, you’re really not up to put any of your walls up.

“What’s wrong baby?” She asks softly, brushing away a few errant strands of hair from your forehead.

You open your mouth to ramble incessantly, fully prepared to talk about nothing of importance, but what comes out instead is a sob that has you burying your face in your mom’s stomach.

Your name is Dave Strider, and you’re really fucking miserable right now.

 

==> Dave: Be the other guy.

The other guy doesn’t have time for this! He’s really busy having a heart-to-heart with his dad!

 

==> Geez! Dave: Move on already!

Uh, how about hell to the naw? You’re still pretty occupied with being comforted by your panicked mom, so go find someone else to bother.

 

==> GOD, JUST BE SOMEONE ALREADY!

Well. You’re not God, but you _are_ definitely someone, so you figure you could give this a try.

Your name is Dirk Strider and you have just emerged from your basement workshop only to be bombarded by the familiar scent of baked goods. The appearance of baked goods in your home isn’t a very strange occurrence in itself, what with one of your co-parents being an achieved baker. But the sheer amount of freshly baked pastries covering the kitchen counter is a bit surprising. That is, until you notice that at least half of the pastries involve apples in one way or another.

Must be Saturday.

You spy Jane crouched over the oven as you walk towards a nearby window and spot Roxy’s bright pink Beetle next to the orange Camaro, and ah—there it is. A smile twitches on your lips as you spy the gray pick-up (Dave wanted something red, Rose wanted something purple, Roxy decided to get something gray), parked haphazardly next to the hydrangeas.

“When did the kids arrive?” You ask, voice gravelly from hours of disuse.

Jane barely startles, straightening up to give you a grin. “Nice to see you up here in the world of the living,” she teases, grabbing a nearby bowl of batter. You roll your eyes, pushing your shades up to the top of your head. “The twins arrived an hour ago, I believe.”

“So,” you drawl out, eyeing the assortment of apple-themed pastries, “what’s wrong with Dave?”

Jane grimaces, shrugging helplessly, throwing a quick glance at the door leading out into the living room. “We don’t know,” she says in an undertone, “he’s been attached to Roxy’s hip the second they arrived and Rose has either been sworn to secrecy or has no idea what’s going on either.”

You raise an eyebrow at Jane, because Rose not knowing what was going on with Dave was pretty much impossible.

She rolls her eyes at you, “fine, yes, that was a stupid idea.” She motions to the living room with her hands, shooing you away. “Go check on Dave, would you? The poor dear’s upset.”

You give Jane a jaunty salute as you slowly open the door to the living room, gratified when the hinges don’t squeak. The sight that greets you on the couch isn’t something you’re overly unfamiliar with, and frankly the sight would be commonplace had you been about ten years younger. But you are not ten years younger and you may have woefully underestimated Jane’s assessment of Dave’s emotional state.

Dave isn’t upset.

He’s _devastated_ ; if the way he’s clinging pitifully to your other co-parent (technically speaking, your baby mama, but that’s a story for another day) as if he’s regressed back to his ‘clingy baby koala’ phase, is any indication.

You catch Roxy’s eyes, raising an eyebrow at the way your son is curled around her middle, and mouth out, _‘what’s going on?’_

To which she just scrunches her face up in a grimace, shrugging her shoulders minutely so as to not disturb Dave.

‘Rose?’ You ask. Hopefully your daughter has an idea of what’s going on.

Roxy pauses from rubbing soothing circles on Dave’s back to point upstairs and you give her a nod as you abscond from the living room. You’ll talk to Dave later when he’s all hugged out and stuffed with enough baked goods to feed an army.

You’re about to make a detour to Rose’s room when you see her sitting at the top of the stairs, huddled into a small ball with her chin resting on her knees.

“Dad,” she starts when she sees you, moving closer to the railings to give you enough space to plop down next to her. She uncurls from her position to lean against you, her head pillowed on your shoulder. She lets out a soft sigh when you put an arm around her; your daughter’s not the most tactile of people and neither are you, but you think this occasion calls for some physical comfort.

“What’s wrong with Dave?”

Rose sniffs, turning her head so that she can give you a bland stare.

“Do you want the alphabetical or chronological list?”

And yeah okay, this is why you shouldn’t have been allowed to breed.

You level your daughter with an equally bland stare. “The one that isn’t lifted from DSM-5.”

“John’s avoiding him,” she says, “Dave’s not taking to it well, especially after John blocked him on pesterchum.”

“Did they get into a fight again?”

Rose shakes her head. “Not that I know of. Dave’s not talking and John hasn’t been answering my messages either. But I don’t think it’s a fight.”

You let out a sigh, giving Rose’s shoulder a squeeze. “He’ll be okay.” You’ve seen Dave recover from having a bunch of crap thrown at him over the years, and you know that he’ll get through whatever this thing is with Egbert mostly unscathed.

“He will be,” Rose agrees, and you can’t help but grin when you hear the unspoken, _and I’ll make it happen if I have to_.

You don’t doubt it.

 

tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering  gardenGnostic [GG]  at 10:15

TT: Have you managed to contact John yet?  
GG: ugh no!!! >:(  
GG: he’s still not replying on pesterchum or answering any of my calls!! and it’s really starting to piss me off!  
TT: You mentioned earlier that you found out where he’s been staying.  
GG: oh yeah! jake accidentally let it slip earlier that john’s been staying with him, but he won’t tell me why though >:(  
TT: Ah, I see. At least that’s one mystery solved.  
GG: have you talked to dave??  
TT: No, not yet. But I have a feeling he’ll be speaking to me soon.  
GG: i really have no idea why john’s being such a crazy person!!  
GG: it sucks that i can’t bother him about it this weekend since Jake suddenly decided to go on a trip!  
TT: It’s hardly your fault why John’s acting this way, so there’s no need for apologies on your part.  
GG: i’ll keep trying to contact him and if all else fails, i’m gonna go and call his dad!!!  
TT: Thank you, Jade.

tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased pestering  gardenGnostic [GG]  at 10:27 

 

==> Be the twin.

Which one? There are two of them, wise guy.

 

==> Be the twin you haven’t been yet.

There’s a knock on your door and you quickly push away from your laptop and scramble into bed as you yell out a, “come in!” Because you are Rose Lalonde and you are 99.9% certain that your brother is behind that door. You’re proven correct when the door opens and Dave peeks his head in, face bare of his shades and looking like a lost puppy.

You are going to punch John Egbert in the face, see if you don’t.

He stands awkwardly at your doorway, obviously debating whether to approach you. For your part, you stay silent, expression as blank as you can make it, not wanting to spook him away. You’re about to say something, anything, when he seems to make up his mind and finally steps inside your room, shutting the door behind him with a soft click. You scoot over to the headboard, leaning against it patiently as you watch him collapse face down beside you.

You are going to do this.

You are going to make it happen.

“Hey,” you say softly, shifting on your bed and dragging a pillow to your lap. Dave remains unresponsive save for a muffled grunt and you nudge him on the shoulder with your knee. “You wanna talk about it?”

He wiggles, getting up on his elbows and turning over to look at you with red-rimmed eyes. “Not really,” he says, lips twisting into a frown and you give into the urge to brush a stray lock of hair stuck on his cheek. “But I think I have to.”

“Okay.”

Dave sniffs before letting out a sharp exhale. “I think John knows.” He blurts out, gaze averted to the ceiling as you shift towards him in askance. “That I’m, you know, in love with him. And that’s why he’s avoiding me,” he trails off, voice breaking at the end.

Chewing on your bottom lip, you reach over to take one of his hands in yours and squeeze it. You have a few words clamoring for release in your throat, but something tells you Dave isn’t done yet. So you sit back and wait, watching as your brother composes himself.

“I just don’t want him to hate me, Rose.” Dave finally says, lower lip wobbling

“No offense to John,” you begin, “but I really doubt he’s figured it out after all these years of being completely oblivious.”

Dave lets out a short huff. “But what if he has? I mean, I know he’s done with that whole _I’m not a homosexual_ phase, and is like, aware that bisexuality is a fucking thing that exists, but what if—what if he doesn’t want to be friends anymore?”

You release his hand in exchange of cupping his cheeks and putting your foreheads together. And gods, you haven’t done this since middle school. This little ritual the two of you had created as children to wish for luck. You find yourself childishly hoping that it still works, even now. “We’ll figure it out, okay?”

“God, I hope so,” he laughs, pulling away before dropping his head on your shoulder. He pulls you into a loose hug, and you sink lazily into it.

“Do you want me to punch him for you?”

“Rose,” Dave giggles, a bit hysterically, but you’ll take that over him crying. “Egbert is built like a fucking brickhouse.”

You grin into your brother’s shoulder, glad that you’ve at least gotten him to laugh. A small victory, but a victory nonetheless.

This thing with your brother and John is far from over and you still have a lot of things to do, including but not limited to valiantly making a dent on all the pastries your mom made. But whatever happens, one thing’s for sure: John Egbert has a lot of fucking explaining to do.

 

==> John: Explain yourself.

Uh, you’re not really sure where to start.

 

==> Alright. Let’s have a bit of a flashback.

 

==> John: Carry on with the rest of your week normally.

You can’t!

Because now that you’ve started thinking about Dave and your feelings for him and how they are not platonic at all, it’s all you can think about. Dave is all you can think about.

You start noticing things you’ve never really allowed yourself to notice before because even though you’re completely fine with liking another guy, you guess that there was a part of your brain that refrained from seeing Dave as such. But now that you’re here, swimming in a pool of your full-on homo feelings for your best bro, it’s as if another part of your brain just went _welp, we’ve gone this far, so might as well go into maximum overdrive_.

And due to that, you’ve acquired a collection of tiny observation a totally platonic bro wouldn’t notice. Like the way Dave’s eyes crinkle at the corners when he smiles, or the way he snorts when starts laughing too hard, or how the freckles on his face are like tiny stars that form constellations on his skin, or how you’re 99.9% sure that he has a special smile just for you. You start realizing that maybe the funny feeling you get in your stomach whenever Dave smiles at you that you’ve long chalked off as heartburn, may be something else entirely.

Of course, you’ve also started thinking about the possibility of Dave feeling the same way, but you dismiss the thought quickly. Whatever it is you feel for Dave is unrequited, you’re sure of it. You still remember the conversation between him and Karkat that you’d accidentally overheard a few months back, with Karkat yelling about how he wasn’t going to be some shitty replacement for someone Dave was still madly in love with and Dave acquiescing meekly.

You never found out whoever it is that Dave’s in love with, and you’re not really sure if you want to know, especially now that you’re nursing some non-platonic feelings for him. And it’s because of this that you’ve just kinda resolved to never letting Dave know about your feelings because in the surprisingly wise words of Karkat Vantas, you refuse to destroy your friendship by being a shitty knockoff boyfriend.

You don’t want to ruin your friendship either by bleeding out your feelings for your best bro, so you maybe avoid him a bit. Pull away from him. Acquaint yourself with the feeling of not having Dave by your side 24/7 because you can’t keep him with you forever as much as you want to, in hopes that maybe, when the time comes that you two will have to exist as Dave and John, it’ll be easier to let go.

 

==> John: Fast forward to the weekend.

The rest of the week takes a toll on you for reasons you do not want to think about. So when Saturday finally rolls around, you are ready to throw down the towel and sigh in relief. Avoiding Dave is hard, ignoring him even harder, but it’s dealing with his very palpable hurt that is the hardest of all. And the knowledge that you were the one to cause that hurt makes you choke up with tears.

You’ve blocked him on pesterchum and started crashing at your cousin Jake’s place, who’d reluctantly let you stay after you explained what was going on. You also had him promise to not tell Jade under any circumstances, because you were pretty much avoiding the rest of your friends at this point. Jake had sighed and told you that it would be better to talk it out with Dave, wearily saying that miscommunication is the death of any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

(There’s a story in the slump of Jake’s shoulders and his defeated sigh, but you figure that it’s a story for another day.)

Jake’s words haunt you all the way back home and now you’re staring blankly at the potato you’re peeling, heart heavy inside your chest. Your dad stands across from you, briskly mixing the egg and milk mixture for the frittata you’re making.

“Dad?”

It’s probably not the best time to have a touching heart-to-heart with your dad, but you have to talk someone or else you’re going to burst.

He looks up from the mixing bowl to level you with a firm, fatherly stare. And oh boy, here we go. “Yes, son?” He asks, putting down the bowl and the fork, and hitching himself up on the bar stool. All he’s missing is his pipe and wow, okay, you’re having this conversation with your dad.

“Can I tell you something?” Hands shaking just a little bit, you place the half-peeled potato and the peeler on the counter.

“Of course, son. You can tell me anything.”

Which yeah, okay. You know you can tell your dad anything and he’ll be there for you, but the problem is that you have no idea how to start talking. The words are stuck in your throat, emotions heavy in your chest, and you end up opening and closing your mouth a few times before settling with, “I’m in love with Dave.” Because the simple explanation is always the best, right? Occam’s razor and all that.

“Yes,” he says, completely unfazed, and what?

Maybe he thinks that you mean _love_ in a platonic sense?

You try again. “I love him. Romantically.”

“Yes, John,” he says, once again, endlessly patient and just a little bit confused. “I believe we’ve established that.”

You blink, once, twice, before a veritable forest fire erupts in your cheeks and your heart starts beating hummingbird fast. Your dad knows. He knows before you even told him. How long has he known? Are you really so obvious that your dad _just knows_ about your totally non-platonic feelings for your best bro?

Oh my god.

_Oh my god!_

What if Dave knows?

You’re starting to hyperventilate when a hand touches your shoulder, and you turn around to see your dad giving you a very concerned look.

“Would I be correct in assuming that there’s more to this than just you realizing your feeling for David?” He asks quietly, and you can do nothing but nod as tears well up in your eyes. “Come on,” your dad continues, steering your gently to the living room couch and sitting down next to you. “Do you want to talk about it?”

With tears streaming down your face, you start to talk. You tell him about your realization, how you had panicked, and proceeded to make a whole mess of things. You have your gaze trained on your lap as you talk, not having it in you to face the disappointment in your dad’s face. You’ve been a terrible friend and gods; you can’t even blame Dave if he never wants to talk to you again or if he wants to punch you in the face. Hell, _you_ want to punch yourself in the fucking face.

Your dad is silent beside you before he lets out a long, drawn-out sigh.

“Jake’s right, John,” he begins, pulling you into a one-armed hug. “You have to tell Dave everything you’ve told me.”

You splutter, craning your head to look at your dad, wide-eyed and panicked. “But—“

“You won’t know until you ask.” He says in a tone that brooks no arguments. “If you continue like this, you’ll just continue to hurt Dave and yourself.”

“Yeah, okay,” you acquiesce because you really don’t want to hurt your best friend more than you already have.

“Remember that no matter what happens, I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks, dad.”

 

gardenGnostic [GG]  began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB] at 11:15

GG: john!!  
EB: hey, jade.  
GG: you’re replying!!!  
EB: hehe, yeah. sorry about that.  
GG: jake told me everything!! you are such a dummy!!!  
EB: oh man, i told him not to tell you!  
GG: ugh, never mind that! go talk to dave right now!!!  
EB: i can’t! i don’t know what to say, jade.  
EB: i fucked up.  
GG: yes you did >:(  
GG: just say sorry, you idiot!  
EB: i can’t just say sorry, jeez! i want to explain to him why i did all that.  
EB: but i’m scared, jade.  
EB: i’m scared to tell dave that i love him when i know he doesn’t feel the same way.  
EB: :(  
GG: :O  
GG: :O!!!  
GG: !!!!!!!!!!!!!

ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering  gardenGnostic [GG]  at 11:34

GG: JOHN!!!  
GG: >:O

 

Step III:  
**Be caught.**

==> Be John.

It is now Monday and you’re already standing in front of Karkat’s dorm room when you become aware that this might not be one of your best ideas, seeing as it is 9 AM on a Monday, and Karkat is even worse than you at waking up early. You’re not even actually sure if Karkat would even bother to wake up. But he’s the only one you can talk to right now

(Dave is out because of obvious reasons, so are Rose and Jade, and you’ve already talked to your dad. Hence, Karkat.)

And so you grit your teeth, steel yourself for a round of incoherent screaming interspersed with very creative expletives, and knock.

Karkat does not disappoint. After a few seconds, you can already hear muffled cursing, steadily growing stronger until the door opens to reveal a sleep-deprived Karkat who looks at you as if he’s completely and utterly done with the entire world.

You plaster on a grin.

“Hi, Karkat!”

“John,” he grunts, “you aren’t going to leave until I let you in, are you?”

You shrug, grinning widely. “Nope.”

“Fuck, fine. Come on in.” Karkat groans and opens the door wider to let you in. “Make yourself comfortable, don’t touch the fucking remote.”

Toeing your shoes off, you follow Karkat’s hunched form into the dim room. Most of the dorm rooms have the same layout, not to mention you’ve been in here far more times than you can count, so you easily navigate your way to the couch even in the near-darkness. Karkat bypasses the couch and heads over to the kitchenette, and you turn your attention to the TV screen showing the horribly familiar DVD menu of Hitch.

“Dude, you’re watching Hitch again?”

Something crashes in the kitchen and Karkat lets out a string of curses in Urdu. “Fuck off and fuck you, John,” he yells in English, and you crane your head to see him take two mugs out. “Have I ever said anything about you watching Con-Air way too many times?”

You snort. “Uh, yeah? Every time.”

Karkat walks back towards the couch, this time laden with two mugs of what appears to be hot chocolate. He hands you one and yeah, definitely hot chocolate. He even put in tiny marshmallows.

Sitting down sideways so that he’s facing you, Karkat raises an inquiring eyebrow. “You obviously didn’t come here to insult my taste in movies,” he says, blowing on his own mug, “so spit it out.”

You hesitate, looking down at the melting marshmallows to avoid looking at Karkat. You’re still not sure what to say or how to say it, even though you’ve had the same conversation with your Dad. You hear Karkat grumble under his breath.

“Alright,” Karkat sighed, “what did Strider do this time?”

Spluttering, you look up at Karkat’s unimpressed stare. “What?”

He rolls his eyes, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. “You’re only like this when you’ve had a stupid fight with Strider. So what did that idiot do to offend your delicate sensibilities this time that you had to go and run to Uncle Karkat?”

“Please stop calling yourself Uncle Karkat. It’s creepy.” You bluster, placing your untouched drink on the coffee table, next to a pile of programming textbooks. “And what makes you think it’s Dave who did something?”

Karkat levels you with a bland stare. “Okay. What the ever-loving fuck did _you_ do then?”

You tell him, voice wavering at certain bits as you stare determinedly at the picture frame behind Karkat. Several emotions flit through his face as you tell your story, and you steel yourself for his reaction. When you’re done, you take a deep, calming breath before you finally face Karkat head-on.

Karkat, for the most part, looks utterly gobsmacked.

“John, know that I don’t say this lightly.” He says after a few aborted tries, as if he couldn’t quite find the right words to say. “You are a fucking idiot.”

You roll your eyes at that, because you already know that. Thanks, Karkat.

“I know, okay? I’m just scared to tell Dave because I know he doesn’t feel the same way and—“

“Whoa, wait, wait, wait.” Karkat cuts you off, shifting on his seat suddenly and grabbing your arm. He looks vaguely alarmed, brown eyes wide as he demands, “how the hell did you arrive at the conclusion the Dave doesn’t feel the same way about you?”

There’s something in Karkat’s voice that baffles you, but you ignore it for the time being to say, “uh. Well. I accidentally overheard your conversation with Dave a while back and you said something along the lines of not wanting to be a replacement for someone he was still madly in love with.”

“Oh my god.” Karkat groans, letting go of your arm to smack his forehead.

“I overheard accidentally! You guys weren’t exactly being quiet.”

Hand slipping down his face to cup his chin, Karkat grimaces. “Holy shit. And that’s why you don’t think he’ll return your feelings?” He asks, letting out a sharp exhale when you nod. Karkat takes a shuddering inhale, places his mug right next to your and gets up to his knees to grip your shoulders. “John. Listen to me. That guy Dave is madly in love with? It’s you.”

What.

“What?!” You splutter, trying to push away from Karkat but he doesn’t let you. Geez, you’re really not in the mood for jokes! “No, it’s not! Dave isn’t in love with me!” You yell, the words making tears prickle in your eyes. “If he was, I think I would’ve noticed by now!”

“John, I want you to think long and hard. Are you sure there wasn’t a time that made you think that _‘hey, I think my best friend is in love with me’_?”

And fine, okay. You admit that there have been times when you’d thought that Dave’s flirting had taken on a different tinge other than joking. “But—but, he’s like that with everyone!” You say even though a part of you knows that he isn’t; a part of you that knows that Dave’s always acted differently, smiled more sincerely when he’s with you.

 

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board EGBERT-STRIDER BETTING POOL 20XX. 

CG: THE FINAL SEAL HAS BEEN BROKEN. JOHN EGBERT HAS FINALLY ADMITTED TO THE GLARINGLY OBVIOUS FACT THAT HE IS UNDENIABLY IN LOVE WITH DAVE STRIDER. BANG THE GONGS, LIGHT THE FUCKING BEACONS. EVERYONE WHO JOINED THE BETTING POOL, PAY THE FUCK UP.  
CG: IF MEMORY SERVES CORRECT, AND IT DOES, KANAYA GETS THE FUCKING MONEY. WHOOP-DE-FUCKING-DOO.

gardenGnostic [GG] responded to the memo.

GG: karkat!!! Is john at your place??  
CG: DUE TO VERY UNFORTUNATE CIRCUMSTANCES, THE SHITSTAIN KNOWN AS JOHN IS, IN FACT HERE AND IS LOSING HIS HEAD ON MY COUCH. SOMEONE. ANYONE. REMOVE HIM FROM MY PRESENCE AT ONCE. I CAN ONLY TAKE SO MUCH PATHETIC SNIVELLING IN ONE DAY AND I ALREADY HAD TO DEAL WITH AMPORRA PESTERING ME EARLIER.  
CG: MY QUOTA FOR DEALING WITH SAD FUCKS WHO CAN’T APPRECIATE MY OMNIPOTENT KNOWLEDGE IN THE REALM OF ROMANCE HAS BEEN FULFILLED.  
GG: >:O!!! tell him i’m coming over!!!  
CG: SURE, FINE. EVERYONE JUST COME OVER TO KARKAT’S PLACE. HE SURE AS FUCK DOESN’T MIND.

tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to the memo.

TT: Please inform John that I too shall be headed to your location with a delicacy most commonly known as a knuckle sandwich.  
CG: OH FUCK. SO JOHN WASN’T KIDDING WHEN HE SAID HE’S BEEN AVOIDING DAVE?  
TT: I’m afraid not. And thus I cannot be held accountable for my actions on his person.

twinArmageddons [TA] responded to the memo

TA: oh 2nap.  
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOD, SOLLUX. SHUT THE FUCK UP.  
CG: SHIT. I’M GONNA BE CAUGHT IN THE GODDAMN CROSSFIRE OF LALONDE LOSING HER ACTUAL SHIT. I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS.  
TA: relax, kk. iit2 ju2t ro2e.  
CG: YOU SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU’VE NEVER HEARD THE STORIES, OKAY? MY DAD USED TO BE THE GUIDANCE COUNSELOR AT THEIR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL, AND ‘JUST ROSE’ ALMOST SUCCESFULLY CLAWED SOMEONE’S EYES OUT AND BIT SOMEONE HARD ENOUGH TO RIP A CHUNK OUT OF THEIR HAND FOR MAKING FUN OF STRIDER.  
CG: SHE WAS TEN, SOLLUX. TEN.  
TA: well, 2hiit.  
TA: iit2 been niice knowing you and eb, kk.  
CG: FUCK YOU TOO, CAPTOR. FUCK YOU IN YOUR PALE, BONY ASS.

==> Be Karkat.

“Harley. Lalonde.”

Jade is all smiles. Rose, on the other hand, look like she can successfully kill someone with just her mind. Alright, time to do some damage control before you have blood on your hands. You glance back to where John is sitting on your couch, head buried in his hands as he experiences one of those _he’s in love with me_ epiphanies. Hopefully, he’ll be occupied long enough for you to explain the situation to Jade and Rose.

Goddamn, you better be the best man for these assholes’ wedding or else you’re going to be pretty fucking pissed.

You silently exit your room, forcing the two newcomers to step back and watch as you close the door behind you.

Rose raises a perfectly shaped eyebrow. “Aren’t you going to let us in, Karkat?”

You give her a pointed look that she merely blinks at.

“Later,” you say dismissively before turning to Jade. “Okay. How much do you two know?”

“John realized he’s in love with Dave and thinks that Dave would never return his feelings for some reason.” Jade’s eyebrows scrunch up in that ~~really endearing~~ way it does when she’s confused. “I’m not sure how he came to that conclusion, but it’s a fucking stupid conclusion.”

Rose shrugs, raising an eyebrow in your direction.

“He overheard me telling Dave that I won’t go out with him because he’s obviously still in love with someone else.” You explain and Jade groans. “John jumped to his own idiotic conclusion and somehow got it into his head that Strider would even be in love with someone else other than him.”

Jade groans. “Oh my god, John.”

You nod at Jade then turn to Rose. “Alright, that’s Egbert’s side of the story. What’s up with Dave?”

“My brother has somehow convinced himself that John, after years of never noticing, has found out that he’s in love with him and no longer wants to be friends.” Rose supplies, clipped, before adding, “he cried.”

You’ve known Dave for years, met him back when you were in high school and Kanaya had dragged you along to meet a girl she met on the internet, and you’ve never once seen him cry. It’s all pretty fucking surreal. You don’t have to look at Jade to know that you two have matching looks of horror at Rose’s words. There’s a beat of tense silence before the door to your room suddenly opens, surprising the three of you and revealing a teary-eyed John, who has also mirrored your own look of horror.

“Dave is in love with me?” John stumbles out to the hallway, stopping right in front of Rose.

Rose frowns, narrowing her eyes at John’s stricken look. You’re ready to jump in just in case she decides to sock John, but she merely crosses her arms over her chest. “He’s been in love with you since we were just thirteen and you gave him those stupid shades for his birthday.” She says, defiant. “He’s tried to move on, trust me he has. Especially since you were pretty adamant at being straight back then. But he’s never succeeded, and I personally doubt that he ever will. So yes, John. My brother is in love with you.”

“Oh.”

You snort loudly at John’s reaction and Jade _whacks_ _you_ upside the head before rolling her eyes. What the fuck. She shushes you with a grin, motioning at Rose and John who were still locked in some kind of weird stare down.

“He’s at my dorm room with Kanaya.” Rose says before she takes a deep breath and gives John a hard look that reminds you that _she almost clawed someone’s eyes out at ten years old, holy shit_. “John, if you ever do anything like this again, I promise you that they’ll never ever find a body. Do we understand each other?”

John blinks, shocked, before a grin appears on his face. “Yeah.”

“Good,” Rose smiles, satisfied with herself. “I’ll be the first to slap him in the face if he decides to hurt you.”

“Oh. Um. Thanks?”

“You’re one of my best friends, John. But please don’t break my brother’s heart. Or if you do, do it gently.”

Beside you, Jade starts to laugh.

You can’t believe you’re friends with these idiots.

 

turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering  tentacleTherapist [TT]  at 12:17

TG: rose why are you at karkats  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: rose  
TG: also i cant believe you had kanaya babysit me what the actual fuck  
TG: i can take care of myself  
TG: i mean come on wc one of us here can actually cook hint its me  
TG: im gonna tell crocker on you  
TG: rose  
TG: rosie  
TG: rosie posie  
TG: rose of houses strider and lalonde first of her name snarky broad of the planet Jupiter  
TG: come in lt lalonde do you read me over  
TG: sunshine of my life  
TG: sister dearest  
TT: Hello, brother dear. What do you want?  
TG: did you actually wait until i called you sister dearest  
TT: Perhaps.  
TT: I’m on my way back. I bought you two gallons of apple juice.  
TT: You’re welcome.  
TG: rose  
TG: rose what did you do  
TT: What makes you think I’ve done anything?  
TG: well shit lets see maybe bc the last time you bought me apple juice willingly you dropped my phone in a lake  
TG: or that time in fifth grade when you clawed some kids eyes out and got both of us suspended for two weeks  
TT: Two incidents don’t make for an adequate sample size, David. Grandmother would be most disappointed.  
TG: rose srsly  
TG: also lies grandma loves me more  
TT: I talked to John.  
TG: oh ok  
TT: That’s all you have to say on the matter?  
TG: what did you say to him  
TT: Several things of varying import (i.e. the foolishness of his actions and how much hurt he’s caused you).  
TG: damnit rose  
TG: did you punch him plz tell me you didnt punch him

tentacleTherapist [TT]  ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG]  at 12:27

TG: goddamnit

 

turntechGodhead [TG]  began pestering  ectoBiologist [EB]  at 12:27

TG: john  
TG: oh hey look you unblocked me  
TG: anyways  
TG: dont believe what rose said  
TG: shes crazy  
TG: read too many wizard fanfics  
EB: i dunno, man. she sounded pretty serious.  
EB: are you busy? can you meet me by the park swings?  
TG: yeha  
TG: *yeah  
TG: yeah ok

turntechGodhead [TG]  ceased pestering ectoBiologist [EB]  at 12:31

==> Dave: Meet John by the park swings.

It takes you fifteen minutes to get to the park. You would’ve made it in ten but Kanaya had insisted on bundling you up in one of Rose’s sweaters, her trench coat, and a bright pink scarf that probably belongs to your mom. You’d whined incessantly throughout the whole ordeal but she’d been immovable, briskly dressing you as if you were just one of her mannequins, before pushing you out the door with a kiss on your forehead.

You jog to the swing set that you and John frequent, cheeks red from exertion as you try to catch a glimpse of messy black hair and a smile bright enough to light up a room. You’re considering climbing the jungle gym to get a better view when you spot John’s favorite blue hoodie in your periphery. And god, how pathetic is it that your heart practically jumps at the sight?

He gives you a small wave, and you run towards him, caught like a moth to a flame.

“Hi,” he greets, hands buried deep into his hoodie’s pockets.

“Hey.” You nod, halting to a stop in front of him.

John looks terrible.

He almost looks as terrible as you would have if Rose hadn’t forced some concealer on the dark bruises under your eyes. Without the magic of make-up, John looks washed-out, the healthy tan of his skin looks sickly, his normally bright baby blues are red-rimmed, and his smile lacks something that squeezes painfully at your heart.

“So—“

“John—“

Chewing on his bottom lip, John quirks up a smile. “Er, you go first,” he says, shifting his weight nervously.

Hell no. You have little to no idea what’s going on in Egbert’s mind and you’d like to know where you stand first before rambling up a storm. “Nah, man. You’re the one who called me out here. Ball’s in your court.”

“Bluh, fine!” John takes a determined step closer to you and you barely suppress the urge to step back. As it is, you stand your ground, looking back at him through the safety of your shades. “So,” he begins, hands leaving the confines of his hoodie. “Remember last Wednesday?”

Do _you_ remember the day he started ignoring you?

“Yes.”

He seems to falter at your unimpressed stare, but he determinedly plows on. “It’s just that I realized something. Something that’s been building up for years now, I guess? And last Wednesday was like, like the tipping point y’know?”

“Uh, no.” You say in a deadpan, even as your mind races to follow what John’s saying.

Is he—is he saying what you think he’s saying?

“Okay,” John says, running a hand through his hair. “So, imagine that I have this empty glass and I leave it under the leaky faucet for a very long time and last Wednesday was the moment that glass overflowed.” He looks at you straight on, even through your shades and you swallow the sudden lump in your throat. “That glass was, I guess it’s a representation of my uh, feelings for you? And it finally overflowed when you called me _star shine_ and your eyes did that crinkly thing at the corners when you smile and I panicked because I realized I’minlovewithyou?”

What.

“What.”

“Um. Well! There’s a 99.9% certainty that I love you? Romantically. But also as a bro. Because you’re my best friend and I love you as a friend too. But romantically.”

Holy shit.

You blink rapidly behind your shades, mind screeching to a halt.

“John, what are you trying to say?”

 

==> John: Explain in five words or less.

“I’m in love with you.”

 

==> Dave: Tackle him to the ground.

“Egbert, if this is a fucking joke, I swear to god I will knee you in the nuts.“

You think you hear yourself say as you run and tackle him to the ground. He catches you with a small huff, and goddamn he’s built like a fucking brickhouse. You stare down at him, determined to make good on your promise to knee him in the family jewels the moment you see his prankster’s gambit increase. But it doesn’t. John just looks mostly confused, slightly out-of-breath, and _sincere_.

“Why would I even joke about that?” He croaks weakly.

“Because you’re an idiot.” You say before you lean down to press your lips to his.

 

==> John: Be kissed.

As far as kisses go, this one is objectively terrible.

For one, your glasses and Dave’s shades keep clanking against each other. Not to mention Dave just tackled you to the ground and it’s really hard. The ground. Not. Not anything else.

But subjectively, this is the best kiss you’ve ever gotten.

Dave’s lips are chapped against yours, but they’re warm, and most importantly, they’re connected to your best friend who you are totally in love with.

“Hi,” you say as he pulls away, taking his shades off as he does so.  You squint up at him. “Are you wearing make-up?”

Dave sniffs, pushing himself up to sit on the ground beside you. “Fuck you, it’s concealer. My eyes are fucking puffy from crying all night because I thought I was going to become the family spinster.”

You laugh, exhilarated. “Better send a raven to your family and tell them to ready your dowry.”

“You’re an idiot.”

You prop yourself up on your elbows to grin at him, wiggling your eyebrows suggestively. “But I’m _your idiot._ ”

“Yeah, you are.”

 

gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 17:03

GG: hi dave!!! :D  
TG: sup harley  
GG: not much, i just wanted to tell you something  
TG: well shit harley if its a love confession imma stop you right there for i am a maiden betrothed  
TG: i shant take any more suitors  
GG: oh darn! and here i was hoping to get into your family’s coffers and get your dowry!!  
TG: nope too late commodore harley this ship has sailed  
GG: :O!!!  
GG: hehe, anyway. i’m just here to say that if you hurt john…  
GG: …i’m gonna be pretty pissed with you, coolkid!!!  
GG: this is also a reminder that i own a loot of guns!  
TG: omg  
GG: daaave!!! i’m serious!! >:(  
TG: aight aight never said you werent harley i got it message received i will not hurt johns feelings  
TG: we cool  
GG: soooo coooool!!!  
GG: but also know that it goes both ways!  
GG: if john hurts you, i will be very angry at him too because you’re one of my best friends :D  
TG: aw shucks youre making lil old me blush  
TG: thanks jade  
TG: <3  
GG: :D!!!  
GG: <3

gardenGnostic [GG] ceased pestering turntechGodhead [TG] at 17:19

 

**Author's Note:**

> pesterlogs are a fucking bitch to format. i think i lost a decade of my life formatting them.
> 
> also. hey. this is supposedly part of a larger universe (that i named the 'how to' verse bc im so creative) that i may or may not write in the future once i have some time again. 
> 
> //ollies the fuck out


End file.
